July 18th 2010 or when Dogs sniff

i've been having back aches on and off for years now... some days i barely feel it while others i'm in constant reminder of it.

for years now i sleep on a mattress, no bed, just a mattress. Today i decided i'll try without the mattress, just a lonely blanket to serve a sheet between me and the carpet...

Of course, all the while, i dream of futon and tatami. I am not sure if i reminisce the futon and tatami because of their comfort, or is it the engulfing feeling i had during the times i experienced them. The cold nights, the warm covers, the lingering sound of the sliding Japanese doors, the radiating smoothness of my skin from the onsen bath minerals...

* * *

Last week, i saw a guy who is younger than me, i recently knew he got divorced, so i asked him why he separated and then, matter of factly, proceeded to give him shallow advice, on marriage (of all things)

I don't know why i said what i said... i mean, was there a need for that brief dialogue? None that i can think of.

The same day an older man gave me a call, and the first thing he asked me, "when will we see your wedding? Yallah"

I spent much time recalling those two dialogues and wondering why do people say what they say, especially at the beginning of their encounters.

So i was thinking... were our opening dialogues subconscious statements of authority? to set the proper order of status? Setting the pecking order? Who's who on the hierarchy?

By the same manner of "concerned big brother", i have asked the younger man, and the older man has asked me... perhaps the former has someone where he shows his "concerned big brother" behavior to?

Honest to goodness... i didn't mean anything negative by my question... It was coming from the purist of my intentions... but i'm not talking about my intentions, rather, my un-intentions... what made ME say what I said? How much of it was free will? And how much was it genetic predisposition?

Maybe its not about hierarchy or status positioning... perhaps its just a form of connecting with each other, a by-product of Society and Social Networking... which without it Humans arguably wouldn't have survived up to this day.

Possibly, its the verbal equivalent of a nod in the street to a stranger, implying, "i see you".

"Free Will" is what i choose to do or say by my own volition? Right? But perhaps "What i choose to do or say" is the by-product of a "brain" that is genetically (by evolution) made to "choose to do or say" in that certain way?

Too many "perhap's" and "maybe's" but for now... i see no difference in what we say as "open liners" and when dog's sniff each others' behinds when they first meet.